"That child doesn’t have needs, he’s just naughty and needs a smack."

I heard that very recently, from someone who should definitely have known better. It wasn’t meant as a joke either. It was said seriously, as if it were perfectly obvious. The lack of knowledge and compassion and the fact there was no interest to try and understand was alarming. They were talking about an 8 year old.

Sadly, it’s something I’ve heard before. And it's exactly the kind of thinking that Forest Schooling UK is working to change.

We work with children who’ve often been labelled “difficult,” “naughty,” “defiant,” or “disruptive.” But we believe that behind the behaviour, there’s always more going on. The idea that a child’s behaviour can be fixed with violence, physical or otherwise, misses the point entirely. You really do wish you could share life stories with the adult to help them “see” why that might not work. But that would not be appropriate.

When a child lashes out, shuts down, refuses to listen or constantly seeks attention, they’re not trying to make your life harder. They’re telling you something. It might be that they’re overwhelmed. It might be that they don’t feel safe or that they’ve learned adults aren’t reliable. It might be that they’re tired, hungry, confused, or scared. Remember, it’s a child.

Calling them “naughty” or saying they “just need a smack” shuts down the opportunity to understand what’s really going on. It also ignores the fact that many of these children have been let down by adults they trust, experienced trauma, instability or exclusion, often at a very young age.

The truth is, punishment doesn't teach emotional regulation. It teaches fear. It teaches that mistakes lead to pain or rejection. It reinforces power dynamics instead of building trust. It can scare.

We’ve seen the effects of this first-hand. Some of the children we work with flinch when spoken to sternly or freeze when asked to explain themselves. Not because they’re manipulative, but because they’ve learned it’s safer to shut down than to speak up. That’s not discipline. That’s damage.

Children need adults who can stay calm when things get tough. They need routines and boundaries that give structure without being rigid. They need the chance to move, to explore, and to make mistakes without feeling fear or being shamed for it.

They also need time. Time to unlearn fear, to build trust and to feel safe, enough to try something different. That doesn’t mean there are no boundaries. It means the boundaries are clear, consistent, fair and respectful.

At Forest Schooling UK, we create spaces where behaviour is understood in context. A child throwing things isn’t written off - we find out what’s underneath the behaviour. A child who refuses to take part isn’t punished, we work with them to find a way in. It’s not soft. And we can tell you from experience, It’s very effective.

If you’ve ever thought, “That child just needs a smack,” it’s likely because that’s how behaviour was dealt with when you were growing up. But that doesn’t mean it’s right, or helpful.

We now know better, through research, experience and listening to children. The evidence is clear: connection works better than control.(just look at the wider world at the moment) Relationships matter more than rewards and punishments. And understanding what drives behaviour is far more effective than simply reacting to it.

It takes more effort, yes. But it builds trust, reduces harm and leads to real, lasting change.

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